I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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