god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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