I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
