I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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