I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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