his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
