A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
