you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
