i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
