i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
