i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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