I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
