I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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