Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
