Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
