Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
