I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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