I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
