I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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