I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
