those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
