VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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