I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
