Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
