she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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