When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
