ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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