you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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