happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We need to rekindle our bromance
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
