He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
