Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
