Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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