As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
