when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
