is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
