dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
