Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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