did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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