Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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