My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
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