my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
tell me about the eggs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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