Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
