Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize