someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
