It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
