Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
