the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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