I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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