all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
