You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
