I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
