i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
