ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
