an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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