my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
