She went from zero to smokin in five shots
can u get pink eye on your cock?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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