the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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